Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*