[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow