Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
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Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Best spot.. 😅
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
This is so me 😂😂