[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
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My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Hell yeah 👍
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Wake me when AI does housework
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.