[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
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My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.