Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
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Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My sex drive has a dui
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
rise and shine we got egg
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My dating profile:
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.