[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”