Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
You Might Also Like
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”