If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
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My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.