Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations