ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone