“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
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Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
She: I like Cats
He:
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
brian had himself a morning…
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Called it
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
good work, detective
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”