By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Nice try, NASA
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.