“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
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The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!