Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer