When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
You Might Also Like
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
is this store having a stroke wtf
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.