Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
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I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”