parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.