Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”