i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
The cashier just checked me out.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.