Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
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*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
#dalle2
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute