my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
You Might Also Like
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls