Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.