If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
me when the borders lift