Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’