*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
You Might Also Like
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Noah was an idiot.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
The first one, obviously
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”