Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
😂😂
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner