[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”