I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
You Might Also Like
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside