I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
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Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do