Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”