st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.