I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
You Might Also Like
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man