A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
good work, everybody
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.