This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
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My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I’m giving up for Lent.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball