How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
This could’ve been an email.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.