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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
According to math, I’m broke
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.