i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
You Might Also Like
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
calling in to work dehydrated
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]