Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*