You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
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I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.