Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
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{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee