Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
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Would you wear it?
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I have so many questions.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit