Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
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[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI