HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute