To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
sigh
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents