[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
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i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter