Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born