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Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Jail
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..