GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
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[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Just ordered me some pizza!
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it