As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
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the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.